The email I deleted or Tool-puss Baby

So if anyone read my self defeating blog before this one entitled CrossFAT, you may have noticed my little pity party I had going on. And while I was on that great little self bashing rant, I ended up messaging one of our coaches with a shortened version of my blog to his Facebook account. I then went on and did a few chores and stuff and was thinking about my note to him and basically thinking I was being a tool, a puss, and a baby. So I did what any Tool-puss Baby would do and went back online and deleted my note hoping he wouldn't have seen it.

 

Meanwhile life goes on. I go back to work for a week and then I needed to go back to the CrossFit box to give the coaches some paperwork and forms (I help them out a bit with graphics and printing since that is what I know best), and low and behold there was the coach I had sent and then retracted the note.

 

Evidently he saw it because he told me he had been meaning to call me and chat but had been pretty busy. [Sidenote: I know this guy is super busy with roughly two full times jobs.]

 

He questioned me about the email I sent and I told him that I kinda hope he didn't see it because I deleted it. But guess not. We ended up chatting about my fears of CrossFit and about how basically I feel that I am not a cookie cutter template of a typical crossfitter. He agreed and spoke about how he would be willing to assist me in getting to a place where I could come back to crossfit  when I was strong enough with enough lasting ability for the tougher WODs. But that I would have to dedicate myself and put forth a lot of effort to get there. He would set up a plan for me and I would need to make sure that I followed the instructions religiously and that I would need to come up with some goal to reach...not just any goals to be done at any random time, but very specific goals with specific time frames to complete them by. So I came up with the following:

He mentioned that he will put a plan together to help me obtain these goals. I have put these out here now in public so all who care to read see what these are and can help me be accountable to these lofty goals of mine.

 

 

 

So once again....here I go.

The CrossFAT WOD. Would anybody show up?

Yup--Notice it's not CrossFit, but Fat. That is how I am feeling now. It's been a while since I have been to a Crossfit workout and now I am finding it quite tough to get the motivation to go back.

It is quite difficult to be a 300+ lb. guy and go the box day in and day out and suck at everything, be last in every WOD, break the top of a box on a box jump, having to walk for 400 meter sprints, can't bring your leg down on walking lunges. get terrible stomach cramps while doing tabata sit ups and other core exercises, get totally gassed and having to split up your 10 burpees into 3-4 groups for warm-up...I can go on, believe me I can, but I think you may now have a slight understanding on how it feels to be an old fat fuck in a crossfit class. Oh yeah--I have to take off my glasses because they fog up and I can't see shit or remember what is on the board to do, so I have to keep walking up to the board to find out what I need to do next.

I wish other old fat people would come to Crossfit too, that way I could at least stand a chance. I want to work out and do the WODs because they are so exhausting and I know I am accomplishing  tough workouts. But when you come in last, maybe not even finishing all the "rounds" and then being told by others what a great job I did, really cheeses me off. I know I sucked--you know I sucked--let's call it what it is...hey, at least you came in and did something even though you really sucked and your form was horrendous. I am surprised you didn't quit sooner. At least then they are being honest. I would rather have honesty than nice lies to spare my feelings.

And I think I have heard it all. At least you showed up...you are doing better than those still on the couch...you are really only competing against yourself. Yada yada yada. Yup, I am competing against myself and lost.

So am I saying I will never go to Crossfit again...No I am not. But I do feel it might be a while before I do. I seriously think I am too fat to Crossfit right now where I am at. The WODs have gotten ridiculously tough since when I first began which makes me feel that much worse about not getting this shit done or done properly.

I feel there needs to be another division of CrossFit called CrossFAT (or even something nicer). One where the older, out of shape, those rehabbing injuries, and really struggling people can go to get a tough WOD done and not feel so inadequate that they cannot walk in the door. One where the warm-ups are about 10-15 minutes, but short enough that we haven't "shot our WOD" (by being so tired) before our WOD even starts. Then maybe another 10-15 minutes to do some weight lifting and then a full 20-25 minute WOD, have a normal WOD and we would scale it down as needed, but also have the time to finish it up without drawing a crowd. I know everyone rooting on the slow fat guy who is trying their best to finish is the proper etiquette, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I don't like being at the center of attention. I know everyone means well while doing it, but when it's every WOD you do, it's embarrassing to be that last guy to finish. I think that maybe it might be more of the congratulations afterwords and being told I did a great job when I know that I sucked and did horrible with bad form while being extra slow.

I hope I don't sound like I am bashing CrossFit or my Clan, because I don't feel I am or even mean to. I am just pointing out how I feel when I am there. Everyone is SUPER nice and very enthusiastic as well as helpful. Everyone genuinely seems to care about everyone else. That is a great feeling to have and to see the camaraderie that is in the box and between fellow members. I just think am part of the 1% who fall into the cracks. I know I am not the majority, so I know CrossFat would not happen and even if it did, my fellow fatties and understrong people won't even go to that. So with that I know I am left out in the dust to forge my own way until the time comes that I feel strong and/or fast enough to participate in this great sport called CrossFit. I want to do all this cool stuff-I really do, but I just don't feel comfortable enough to show up right now.

-sad & defeated duke-

Time is ticking away. My time may soon be up. I need to do something NOW!

Damn Carl's Jr and My Mouth! (W30d4)

So it's day FOUR and I am already angry at the world for allowing me to do such a "drastic" change in my life as to eat whole foods (not processed).


I come home from work, prepare my lunch for tomorrow and don't have the energy to make a dinner for the family. I am run down, not sleeping well and just a plain old dickhead. The wife didn't want to cook either because she was not feeling well either (that time of her month plus alergies).


I did need to get more groceries though for breakfasts and other meals and since I was the only one on this Whole30 diet thingy, I needed to get stuff for me. I told the family that I wasn't going to cook and that I was headed out to the store and to go ahead an either cook something or go to Carl's Jr and get themselves some food and don't get anything for me unless they had some Sweet Potato Fries and that I could sure go for some carbs.


I leave and go to the store, come back with $50 of healthy shit. I am low blood suger and already pissed at the world and my family brings home Carl's Jr for dinner. and none for me, that's cool. Oh I was fit to be tied. So angry that I could spit nails (plus add any other angry reference you can think of). But I knew I told them that they coold do it, but I was still mad at them for following my directions and the food smelling so damn good.


Carl's Jr commercial :-(


I ended up having some organic chicken sausage and mashed sweet potato with asparagus, but those burgers smelled so good, I was still mad though and I guess my wife could tell...she ended up going back to the store and getting me some (sweet potato) fries...she does love me. 



NOTE: Our Crossfit group decided to take on this challenge (those who wanted to). The only downfall is that anyone who cheats has to do 100 burpees for each offence in front of the whole group...well, I am a big guy and can only get about 30 done so I basically cannot cheat. Was pretty disappointed when my wife told me she wasn't going to do the challenge with me, but I understood. She does daycare and the FDA requires her to feed the children crud, so it is in the house and too much of a temptation for her and she is pretty sure she won't be able to follow through.

I am guessing that burgers and fries are a big temptation for me and will have to ask them not to do that again. At least around me.

-theDUKE-

W30d6—Diary of a Wimpy Dad

Boy I really had to struggle with my title, I was going to try a take-off of the Whole30 thing by saying Whole Grains, Hole45 (I am 45 years old...well close enough). But I decided to take on the Wimpy Dad roll since my daughter just watched that movie and it was kinda fresh in my mind. I never really did consider myself a wimp, but now I am on Day 6 (knock on wood that I continue), I notice I am complaining, and irritable and basically everything one would consider as a wimp.

Yesterday I found me annoying my wife as well as me with my "I can’t have that anymore" comments. Yeah, it bugged me too. I have decided that I am going to migrate away from that comment to something more positive and less annoying like "I don't eat that anymore". It gives me more of a sense of control and not being a little b*tch.

So I just finished making breakfast this morning and since I have been craving carbs, I decided to use my sweet potato mash mix and add 3 organic natural eggs, a butt load of garlic, some red pepper, and onion powder. I did this to try and take some of the sweetness away from the potato. I then took an avocado and mashed it up (see my violent nature here—I freaking mash everything!) I then added some of my fresh salsa I had pre-made (guess it’s not all that fresh after all) as well as some of my asparagus mole and mixed that s**t up big time.  After cooking up the egg-sweet potato mash mix, I then plated it and put my “guacamole” on top and I do have to say...

…that it’s the worst looking pile of crap I have ever made! Don’t just take my word for it, look and judge for yourself.

Crappy Looking Breakfast

Yup—that’s some messed up breakfast my friends. But, since I am diabetic and have already been awake for a couple of hours I decided to eat it anyway. Not all of it though, it was way too much. It wasn’t great, but it also wasn't that bad either. It certainly was not as bad I it looks and I don’t think I will die at this point from it, so I may have dodged a bullet.

Not all my food this past week was horrible. My lunch on day two (at work even) was fantastic…take a look at this.

Nice Looking Lunch Huh?

I got shrimp cooked in extra virgin olive oil with some red peppers, garlic and onion. Plus some fresh cooked asparagus all on top of (you can't see it, but it is there) a mix of cilantro, green onion, avocado, celery, red-orange-yellow bell pepper and cabbage. Now this was spectacular.

Anyway, I need to stop here, I will be posting more lately tonight. I have never thought of blogging before, but I think I may like this. And I am still not throwing up my breakfast. Think I will head out to Lowes and get some soil for our raised garden.

PEACE!

-theDuke-